Bangkok Sweat Box

Thailand has been one of those countries that so many people I know have been to but I haven’t. Usually it’s the other way around! So it’s always been on a bit of the wishlist to finally go here. James started his travels of 2020 in Thailand back after we first met, but he’s agreed to retread old ground with me, no doubt to be a very different experience to the one he had as a single, solo backpacker fresh from cold England those four years ago.

It’s with a huge sigh of relief that we make it to Bangkok when the ferry gods were against us. So much of a sigh that we are caught by surprise at a final thwarting to our plan. There are no Grab taxis from the airport, buses apparently stop running at 4pm or 9pm depending on the website, and you need Thai Bhat to pay the waiting taxis. I try and ask Tourist Information, but am met with nods of agreement and replies of “yes… Grab… yes… door 3” despite these not being answers to the questions I’ve asked. Oh how I miss Spanish-speaking countries. Now we have the added fun of an alphabet we also can’t read. Thankfully James can get on the airport Wi-Fi and installs Bolt (the Russian version of Uber), and a taxi quickly appears at our sides. Damn. I guess we’ll be funding the war on the other side. We wonder once more how this all worked before the Internet, but I suppose the answer is doing airport currency exchanges and having to haggle with the locals. It’s nearing 11pm when we get to our Airbnb, 31 hours since we left the Airbnb in the Philippines, and jump onto the huge, comfy, hotel-esque bed, and whack on the air-conditioning and fan. Sorry pachamama. Despite how late it is, it’s still over 30 degrees. No time to rest though, time for that New Country Admin! We head to a cash point and it’s time to pay the maddenning ATM fee of £3.50 a go. Oh sadness. We laden up on supplies at the 7 Eleven, including some famous 7 Eleven toasties that make James’ dreams come true, and then hit the lovely, fluffy, white, airconned hay.

Temple Run

With only two days in Bangkok, we’ve got a lot to get through. Thankfully I have my very own tour guide who has been here before to maximise on our time. Guide Collins has set out today as temple day, and we’re starting early to try and get as much done as possible before the soaring 40+ degree heat wipes us out. Our first stop is the Grand Palace, and Grand it certainly is. As the most important palace in Bangkok (although we find every temple says it is the most important) they are very strict on the dress code, and so James dons his Groot pyjama bottoms to get in. The only appropriately ‘modest’ clothing I have is my cotton dress saved for ‘smarter’ occasions. We make a pair!

After a bit of an absense of culture and history from the Philippines (due entirely to our own planning), I’m loving being here. The temples are beautiful, ornate, intricate, delicate, and impossibly clean. How they keep each tiny mosaic and tile and fragment clean in this vast, hot and polluted city is a marvel.

Surrounding the main complex is a huge mural with the history of Thailand, according to guide Collins.

We meander through and around the various temples, stupahs, sculptures and cloisters making our way to the main temple housing the emerald buddha. Here, you aren’t allowed to take photos or sit with your feet facing the buddha. Two rules the soldiers present are strict to pull anyone up on, including children, ensuring photos are deleted before their eyes. One rogue tourist caught in the act defiantly asks “Why?”, and the soldier simply replies, “respect“, clearly a concept this tourist does not understand. The rule that is less policed is one of silence, as tour guides explain the importance of this place to their herds. We sit here for a while enjoying the relative cool temperature out of the Sun, and admiring the immense work of art in front of us, wishing we could understand just 1% of what we were looking at. There’s so much going on (in a magical way) it’s like a Where’s Wally of buddhas of various sizes and styles, and ornate decoration in gold and silver, gold on the left, silver on the right. Today, the emerald buddha is wearing its summer outfit, a golden shawl. Each season the outfit is changed by the King. Three monks come in and sit in a separated corner from the masses in silent reflection, ignoring the now growing din of guides’ explanations.

After the temple we do another lap before heading to the starting point of the free English tour. It’s now 10am, and the palace grounds are filling up with tour groups and tourists, and the heat is sweltering. Guide Collins hands over to our Thai guide, who is dressed in military regalia and a face mask. Under his khaki uniform, he is wearing a t-shirt. James and I are dripping with sweat through our thin clothes, wondering how he is wearing two thick layers without a bead of sweat on his forehead. Our man doesn’t understand gringo skin (or likes to torture his visitors), and makes the group stand in the blazing sun as he talks through his mask with a thick Thai accent. Whether it’s the heat, the mask, or the accent, I find it incredibly hard to understand, and we don’t seem to be the only ones. What we can understand seems to be exactly what’s on the free map, so there’s not a huge amount lost in translation, although there’s also not much I remember to relay here. It’s impressive how much the heat shuts down the brain!

Our tour finishes in “Area 2”, with more huge, ornate, architectural marvels, that really make us understand why so many are disappointed by the UK equivalents.

By this point, the air has turned into soup, and in attempts to not be boiled alive we venture into the two available museums that provide some much needed respite by way of blasting cold aircon. No photos allowed inside again, but we get to see some of the original structures of the temples pre-restoration. Some of the pieces from the roofs are huge when you get to stand next to them and really the scale of these buildings. There’s also an exhibit on the queen and queen mother’s clothing, which are really beautiful and stylish, somewhat similar to what our stylish monarchs would wear.

We brace ourselves for the heat once more as we head to stop two, the reclining Buddha. Except by this point I’m starting to feel faint from the heat. Expertly, my guide ducks us into a highly rated eatery with aircon and a recently vacated table so we can rehydrate and rest. It’s 11:30 in Thailand, but we console ourselves that in the Philippines it’s 12:30, so as good a time to have lunch as any. James gets to have his first pad-see-ew as I have a chicken with cashew curry, and we share some spring rolls.

The experience is made even more impressive by realising that this was all expertly cooked by one older woman in a corridor-come-kitchen of maybe 1.5m length x 50cm on each side. The same corridor everyone uses to get to the bathroom, so constantly interrupted to boot, and of course, no aircon.

Refreshed with as much ice as I can siphon from my drink into my water bottle (much to the confusion of the wait staff), it’s time to get back into the firepit. It doesn’t take long before my body wants to give in again, but there’s buddhas to see. Our next one is a huge reclining buddha in a building that seems far too small for what it is. In fact, you can barely see it all in one go save for two spots at either end that jut out for tourists to get their photos.

The feet are expertly decorated in mother of pearl, with scripture and even prints on the toes.

Outside of the small building housing the huge buddha, there are more temples and sculptures and trees to admire.

However, there is also more sun and heat, and my body has really started to give in now. The real feel is apparently 46° so even Guide Collins agrees to hide out the next few hours in aircon.

No rest for the wicked though, our Palace ticket includes a traditional dance show just down the road from our Airbnb. I’ve read that it has aircon and is a good way to hide from the heat, so we hop from shadow to shadow making it to the freezing auditorium.

The show gives us little tasters to the different styles of dance from across the ages of Thailand and across the different regions, including some shadow dancing, and part of a famous masked dance called a Khon. The costumes are incredible, and the dancing is also magnificent, so different to anything Western, as I struggle to tell if their hands are up or down due to their amazing dexterity. Of course no photos are allowed of the performance, but here’s one of the end. Apparently these shows are funded by the Royal family to keep showcasing Thai culture. Not a bad idea!

With a few hours of respite from the heat, it’s time for our final temple of the day, The Golden Mount. Finally somewhere Guide Collins hasn’t been, but he expertly leads the way so we can make it in time for sunset. We climb the stairs through greenery, flowing streams, rocks, buddhas, gongs, bells and curious sculptures all around.

The view from the top shows us a totally different perspective of Bangkok, as we pick out temple after temple from the skyline, whilst the sun creeps down towards the horizon.

Up here, a cool breeze keeps us cool and tricks us into thinking it might not be so hot anymore, that maybe we’ve adjusted now and it’s not so bad at all. And then the breeze drops and you realise you’re still in the soup, even after the Sun has set.

Khao Son Road

I had extremely low expectations of Khao Son Road, expecting overt prostitution and old white men with underage girls on their arms, so I’m pleasantly surprised to find your typical tourist hub, of eateries, bars, tat, and an extra sprinkling of open-air massage chairs and cannabis shops. As I’m starting to melt again, I demand of Guide Collins that we eat somewhere with a fan, anywhere, so long as there’s a fan. This rules out almost all street food, but there’s plenty of eateries catering to the melting ‘just-off-the-boat’ tourists, with stylish decor, abundant arrays of fans, and amplified prices. It’s only after I’ve cooled down that I can take in the beautiful setting around us with a pond full of fish.

I order a non-spicy papaya salad, and James gets salt and pepper fried pork, clearly missing all of the pork he ate in the Philippines. I’m feeling more human again, and ready for hitting Khao Son proper.

Loud music comes at us from all angles as much as staff with placards shouting “Happy Hour” trying to lure in the next white person ambling down the street. Intermingled with them are South Asian men holding out catalogues of suits selling their offerings of tailored suits. I wonder who is getting drunk and deciding a tailored suit is what they need most, but then recollect Hez getting a hideous one without even needing a beer down him in Hong Kong, just Ben egging him on, and a girl called Amelia he wanted to impress.

Instead of the seedy atmosphere I expect, the street is full of families with children of all ages weaving through the crowds, on foot, in prams and atop parents’ shoulders. The seediest thing I see is an array of wristbands with comically offensive sayings and words embroidered into them to make the tourists laugh, which we do. Sadly of course, there are also children being directed towards tourists to sell knick-knacks in their baskets. The final bit of comedy offerings come by way of insects on sticks, including scorpions, snakes and even tarantulas. Having already had one scorpion’s head bashed in in Nicaragua, we decide not to add insult to injury of the scorpion population by eating a skewered one, and wonder who it was that found this niche market of ‘gastronomy’. Maybe the same one who realised you can charge tourists a lot for splayed guinea pig in Peru.

We enjoy a few beers in front of more giant fans and chat some time away, before heading back to make sure we can be up early again before the heat wipes me out. On our return, the crowds have picked up, and we’re met with literal walls of bar touts trying to entice us in, we can’t understand how any of this can be profitable (or enticing to tourists) as the different bars seem to compete with just who can have the most amount of staff out front.

A Tour of Asia

Our second day here inadvertently takes us to three different parts of Asia in one city. First off, we’re checking out a floating market.

The market is by no means floating, but it does have a glorious array of Thai food to tempt us, even so soon after breakfast. The stalls are setup under a big roof, more akin to a farmers market than anything else. As we head to the river, we see some boat tours that tempt us in.

Guide Collins hands over to a Thai lady, who whacks up the volume of her loudspeaker, making her enthusiastic screeching even more difficult to understand. The elder lady in front of us puts earplugs in to mute the sqauwks. This isn’t helped by the Thai language being particularly squawky, for want of a better way to describe it.

All we can understand over the din of the motor and the indistinct kaaaa noise is “EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY… [indistinct squawking]… right… [more indistinct screeches]… left…” as we presume she is explaining what each thing is as we pass on by on the boat, with little ability to understand what it is we’re taking photos of. Nevertheless, it’s a beautiful tour down a winding canal with homes at the water’s edge in varying levels of quality. Some are half collapsed into the water (but still occupied), others look like the ones we walk pass on the way to Shoreham. I can only imagine how happy these residents are to hear the passing shrieks of tour guides cutting through their relative peace!

We stop somewhere to pick up fish food as big fish splash around by our boat desperate for a boat and crashing into one another and the boat trying for a bite.

Our next stop is to a temple. It’s a far less well cared for temple than the main touristy ones we’ve been to so far, but it’s still pretty impressive, as our guide tries to explain certain bits to us and encourage us to donate money for this or that, “Lucky lucky, good for you”.

We return to the boat and our guide is now really loving life, as she starts singing in between her descriptive squawks. It’s hard to be annoyed at someone so happy and confident in her own skin and we just laugh along as she makes the ride all the more memorable.

Just as we think things can’t get anymore surreal, a line of boats with musicians and monks comes down the river in the opposite direction. We have no idea what’s going on, maybe it’s to do with Chakri day or Songkran upcoming… soon enough a hand-held fishing net is held out towards our boat, but it’s far too small to catch one of those fat fish that were being fed earlier.

It all becomes a bit more clear when the lady at the front tries to hand over some money to one of the guys on the boat passing the other way, tries and fails as the guy almost falls in trying to grasp it. What is this boat ride?! With everyone in stitches, we near the starting point. The icing on the screeching cake is as we pass under the bridge above, a train comes across, and our guide yells “TAKE PHOTO, TAKE PHOTO“, and then sings a familiar song as we pull into the pier. The awaiting masses for the next tour must have thought they were onto a winner as we all bundle of the boat in stitches, no clue what was about to befall them. All credit to the lady, she really did try her best to make the tour amazing, and she certainly made it memorable, if maybe for different reasons than intended.

Very much more awake than before, we have a very early lunch again. We gorge on the snacks and foods at the market, trying some new things out.

Bangkok is heating up again, and without the breeze from the boat it’s time to hide in aircon again. Except after a bit of a cool off, we decide to go on a mission. What better time to go try and find a Fitbit charger than the middle of the day in 46° real feel? With the ‘help’ of Google, we try a few malls, which specialise in different things. One in particular has swaths of fabric and women’s formal attire. Another specialises in Japanese manga and anime merchandise, toys and games. There are watch shops, but no sign of smart watches. There are chargers, but only for phones. We somehow find ourselves in what is seemingly little India, as the cuisine, attire, and ethnicity all shift to South Asian, but still no dice. Defeated, we head back, grabbing some of the best and biggest gyoza we’ve ever had on the way.

I hide out in the aircon and do research whilst James heads off for a Thai massage. He comes back still in one piece and smiling after being wrestled and folded up into a pretzel. It’s time to visit another part of Asia for dinner, China town.

Before long, neon signs display Chinese characters instead of Thai ones above us and the streets are full of tourists and street food again.

The road is also full of cars, making this a somewhat more stressful experience than Khao San Road, as tourists stop for photos and menus which backs up the single-file human traffic behind them. We lurch out of the river of humans to a side street and check out the food stall options. There’s some tasty looking meat-on-stick kebabs that we go for, not realising the lovely sauce she is lathering them with is spicy. Already dripping with sweat from the climatic temperature, the spicy sauce heats me even more and I have to give in as I’m overheating inside and out. The rest of the food options here aren’t all too different to the rest of Bangkok, but the setting is something else, so we grab some plastic chairs and get ourselves some noodles, fried pork and wonton, alongside some satay pork and a beer.

It’s pretty hot still and we have another very early start so we head back to the cool sanctuary of our Airbnb again. We think we’ve done pretty well racking up over 40,000 steps over the last two days in this heat! We repack and get set for the 10 hour bus journey out of Bangkok the next morning. Sadly, the sleeper train sleeper carriages are fully booked, with the only options being benches in a carriage with one small fan. We decide an air-conditioned bus will be a better choice. Let’s find out!

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Adventure – Exploring palaces, streets and canals. Fighting through the dense crowds of China Town.

Excitement – Making it! One of the best beds we’ve slept in. Free water, snacks and pot noodles. 7 Eleven toasties and Thai massages being back on the menu (James).

Trauma – The heat, dehydrating headaches no matter how much water I drank.