Category: Vietnam

Rule of Three

Highlights (Alex): My birthday – cake, flowers, cooking class, boat rides, lovely dinner and wonderful show. Boating through Trang An in Ninh Binh, so peaceful and beautiful. The scenery of Ha Giang, just beautiful and wonderful to be within so much nature again

Highlights (James): Ha Giang loop, Ninh Binh tranquillity, Hoi An old town at night

Lowlights (Alex): the gun range in Cu Chi, the heat (again), hot and trapped in the train cabin

Lowlights (James): sleeper transports, heatstroke, scooter swarms of Ho Chi Minh City

Takeaways (Alex): the wealth disparity still exists here, but instead of the wealthy being imperialist foreigners, it is Vietnamese, and that seems more acceptable somehow? Seeing propaganda work both ways, I’m learning to question more and more what we’re told by the media or the powers that be. Never underestimate the will of a nation desperate to fight for their freedom, we rightly or wrongly have drawn parallels with Ukraine and Vietnam, both under-powered and underestimated, hopefully Ukraine wins out in the end too, but the USA was a very different country to Russia, so who knows.

Takeaways (James): discovering new things on a whim with no prior knowledge or expectations is really invigorating, and a rarity. Every country should have a catchy patriotic song. Feeling hot will never feel the same again after Vietnam

Description (Alex): Hugely varied, from crazy bustling cities, to the peaceful simple life of the country. Amazing food, it’s so fresh and varied, spring rolls, soups, curries, pancakes, stews, salads, all so tasty (although often spicy). Patriotic, and for good reason, they deserve their freedom and should be proud of what they have accomplished as a nation.

Description (James): Stunning countryside, hectic cities, chaotic culture… good coffee though

Entertainment

TV: Top Gear Vietnam, Kiki’s Delivery Service, The Cat Returns

Books: The Women

Podcasts: [the usual]

Where We Stayed

Airbnb (Ho Chi Minh City): ⭐️ 4

Uptown Hoi An Hotel: ⭐️ 5 pool, buffet breakfast, robes, huge bathroom, birthday treats

Hue Lovely Homestay: ⭐️ 3.5 lovely hosts, Happy the happy dog, just room a bit lacking in shape unfortunately

Tam Coc Relax Homestay: ⭐️ 4.5 amazing views, pool, breakfast, bikes, friendly, bathroom a bit basic and damp smell but brilliant

Hong Hao Hostel (Ha Giang): ⭐️ 3.5 great double bed dorm, as private as can be, free breakfast, letting us in at 4am

Yen Minh Homestay (Ha Giang Loop): ⭐️ 3 fine, bloody sheets, less fine

Tom Gu Dia Homestay (Ha Giang Loop): ⭐️ 3 great pool, weird ‘gym’?, shared bathroom, no sound insulation, fan only

Homestay Lam Nui (Ha Giang Loop): ⭐️ 3 good karaoke, filthy room

Hong Hao Hostel (Ha Giang) private room: 4 good bed and bath after 4 days on the bikes, no breakfast boo

Sunrise Paon Hotel (Hanoi): ⭐️ 4.5, if only the gym wasn’t entirely broken

Cutting Room Floor

• The glowing red government signs informing the public of an update, and then switching over to a Tiffany’s advert. What is this country?
• Sausages getting hot stone massages
• Seeing said hot stones on the street floor in the morning presumably where they get washed
• It’s impossible to forget what country you are in in Vietnam, at any moment you are probably no more than 5 metres from a flag, even in the countryside
• It’s amazing to see the indigenous communities and cultures still going strong, serving a reminder of what was lost in Latin America
• Their land up in Ha Giang is protected so they will always have their land to live from and keep their ways of life going
• The propaganda billboards adjust to the region and up in Ha Gaing they depict the Hmong people compared to the city dwellers in the south posters
• The very excited tour guide on a boat in Ninh Binh accompanying a Nepalese couple on what would have been a romantic boat ride for their honeymoon, except for the guide making conversation with everyone around asking nationalities
• The fresh off the boat young British women with no clue how to use a squat toilet
• Another nightmare wax scenario. This time worrying about being kidnapped, then robbed, then just personally berated for paying with a note twice the value of the wax after telling the lady I didn’t have enough money for a full wax
• Add on being chastised because “in [your] country is not much money, here it is a lot”, with an eye roll and glare that I am scrimping on a full leg wax. At least the wax was good.
• A reminder to never go anywhere not on Google, it’s about the only bit of leverage a tourist has.
• The kids who weren’t remotely entertained by the water puppets, but also weren’t remotely parented by a single family member as they talked, yelled, and played with their seat cushions the whole way through the show
• One of the kids even punched the (I assume) mother for attention, and she just took it like that was a standard occurrence
• A caterpillar that found its way onto me before James and another guy delicately removed it from me, only for guide Emma to stomp on it and kill it
• Too many 5 star Google reviews to be trusted, seemed very suspicious and you can’t filter by rating so it’s really hard to find potentially genuine bad reviews amongst the mass 5 stars
• Street smoothie and coffee culture rather than getting drunk

Photos

Hanoi is our last stop in Vietnam and South East Asia. We decide to treat ourselves to a nice hotel, as probably the last chance we’ll be able to do so for cheap. We prioritise somewhere with a pool and a gym as we’re both craving doing some exercise after being too hot to even stand still the last few months. The compromise is that our room doesn’t have a window. Who needs natural light anyway… or so James tells me.

We are greeted by a bell-hop at the door, given cool towels, a welcome drink, and a full introduction to the hotel. Amazing what a few extra pounds can get you in SE Asia. We’re informed they’ve even given us a free room upgrade to a room with a window, which makes me very happy when we get to the room and natural light streams in.

We enjoy some banh-mi sandwiches and a steak, egg, chips and cheese medley in a place styled like Santorini.

Hanoi is busy, but the swarms of scooters are nothing like in Ho Chi Minh, at least in the area we are staying. We’re also among familiar tourist company, as hotels, massage parlors, cafes and street food line every street on every block. I start a game of pavement or [insert what the pavement is used for instead] as we spend most of the time walking in the road as pavements are overladen with anything and everything, as a free extension of whatever trade opens onto it. That evening we check out the pool and gym. James has a round on the boxing bag, whilst I nervously step on the treadmill unsure how much my body has deteriorated in the last couple of months. I should have more faith in it. Not only do I find the (enforced) pace comfortable, I’m able to actually enjoy it for half an hour. It feels really good to have a workout and sweat from exertion rather than just the ambient temperature, there’s something very different to it, endorphins probably help! Nothing like a break from running to remind you how much you can enjoy it.

Dinner is a traditional Bun Cha dish which is some skewered pork, pork dumplings in a soup, a big plate of noodles, with fresh leaves. James is feeling a bit under the weather so we hope this homely soupy dish will sort him out.

Walking Tour

We’ve decided to do an old favourite, a free walking tour. Our guide today is Emma, she’s from Ninh Binh and is cute, smiley, bubbley, big energy, and speaks great English. Her tour takes us around the Old Quarter, and she fills in a few final blanks we’ve had from our time in Vietnam. A great end to our time here.

We start at a monument to the people. Atypically for Western cultures, there is a woman here too, showing that when enemies come, women must and will fight too. Go feminism. The man in the middle holds a stick in his hand with a bomb st the end of it, it’s a suicide bomb, and was often used as the only way to fight against tanks, showing that the people are so determined for independence, they will sacrifice their lives own lives for it.

We move along to Turtle Lake (its English-language name). There’s another monument, this time to the pen and the art of calligraphy. The ink pot is separate from the statue, because when the sun comes up at a certain time of year, 15th may, the shadow of the pen will meet the pot.

In the lake there were two giant turtles, 1m wide, the last one died in 2016 and they are preserved inside the museum. The oldest turtle was 200 years old. In English this lake is called Turtle Lake, but in Vietnamese, it is called Sword Lake after the following story. There was a lake king who had a precious sword, one day, a giant turtle came up in front of his boat, and he gave this turtle his sword to look after it. The turtle took the sword to the bottom of the lake. There is now a temple in honour of the turtle and those that came after it.

Pagodas have mandarin symbols because of Chinese rule in this area. Historically the people here spoke Chinese. But when the Portuguese came here, they found it too hard to read and understand, so they made the Vietnamese alphabet that is written like the latin alphabet, but with extra accents and lines to indicate the tonation, to recreate the Chinese words but in the latin alphabet. Now, learning English is the second language to learn here, not Mandarin or Cantonese. Emma tries to teach us how to say certain words, like the famous noodle soup Pho, which can mean road or prostitute depending how you pronounce it. Apparently you pronounce the O with a squiggly tone, like a question mark. Still no clue, other than to just point at the word rather than attempt to say it!

Time for some quick-fire learning…

Ha Noi = city inside river. The red river comes from china. Vietnam = historically were the people of the south of China.

We find out the five colour flag we’ve seen across the country actually represents the five elements, wood, fire, earth, metal, and water. They have them up for festivities, so they’re up a lot this week because of Reunification Day.

We have seen people burning things in the street. Emma explains these are offerings to send money or cars or any good to their ancestors. So you can buy wedges of fake notes, or paper versions of items you want to send to your ancestors. These offerings heighted during full moons. They show respect and honouring ancestors. This all seems very similar to the burning of items in the altiplano! Incredibly how completely disparate cultures come up with the same ideas. It’s also another reminder of how little we do to remember our own ancestors in England compared to other cultures.

But also, if they don’t send these things to their ancestors, they could suffer from the “hungry ghosts”. Or maybe angry ghosts. Or just hangry, who knows!

Vietnam was an agricultural country, they worshipped gods of nature to get full crops. Now, 70% are athiest.

In 2016, Vietnam received UNESCO recognition for their intangible heritage in practices related to the Viet beliefs in the Mother Godesses of Three Realms. This is one of the few places in the world with female gods. The people are considered the children of the female gods.

Pagoda is for buddhas. Temples are for kings and queens.

Incense connects land with the heaven/sky.

Crane on turtle statue, one seen all over. Represents yin and yang, a symbol of taoism. The turtle is stability, grounding, the crane is freedom, detached from the events of life. Around this is a winding lotus flower, which is a symbol of buddishm. It is a mishmash of religions.

There are 7m scooters/bikes, and 9m people. Emma half-jokes that the pavement is for parking, the road for walking. By comparison, there are 12m people in Ho Chi Minh City.

Tax is based on the width of your house, which is why buildings are so thin and tall.

Old houses had iron bars to protect from burglars, but also meant you couldn’t escape from fires, which happened quite often with all the wooden buildings, temples and pagodas.

There are 1m people in old quarter alone.

Vietnam had 2000 years of feudalism, then 100 years of French.

50% of surnames are Nguyen, named after the last emperor, based in Hue. This was the last dynasty of Vietnam, which ended in 1945. People would change their names voluntarily or by threat to whomever was the new emperor.

In 1945, Ho Chi Minh (another Nguyen) started the new country of Vietnam free from emperors and the French. Sept 2nd 1945 was their independence day.

Amongst the food ‘oddities’ are red jellyfish. They aren’t naturally red though, they are dyed that colour, because red brings good luck. Emma tells us that everything gets eaten here, there’s no waste. They eat the brains of animals because they think it will make them smarter.

We bimble along to “Eiffel tower bridge” that is now over 100 years old. It actually has no link to Eiffel, other than the French built it, and it has a similar style, except lying flat.

Jumping forward to 1986 and the world economic crisis. Due to this, Vietnam had to open up the economy, changing from its previous centralised economy. It was now open to foreign investment, and why we see so many foreign brands here today.

The “Vietnam War” was (according to Emma) a war between Soviets and Allies, Vietnam just caught in the middle and was the unfortunate territory for the factions to battle it out. Something we’ve seen happen over and over since, sadly.

Waiting on a Train

That evening we head to the aptly named ‘Train Street’. It’s where a train track runs through the city, and a bunch of bars and cafes open up onto said train track. We’ve been warned by Emma that now you have to be “invited” into a cafe or bar before being allowed in here. Apparently due to “accidents”. Now, maybe it’s our ever-growing cynicism in this country, but this seems a rather convenient way to fleece tourists of money instead of letting them come and take photos of a train for free. Thankfully the beers actually aren’t that expensive, so we sit, and we wait.

7pm passes us by, but a train does not. The next scheduled train is apparently 7:45. We wait. No train. We have more beers. Time ticks on. People who have been here longer than us, give up and leave.

We wait. People arrive, waiters assure them a train is coming in 15 minutes… we’ve unfortunately learnt not to trust these sales pitches.

But, to our surprise, suddenly a bell rings out and it’s bedlam. The bar staff yell at everyone to get behind the line. An Australian ignores her, repeatedly. She’s just trying to stop us getting hit by a train and/or getting this whole chaos-centre that provides so many livelihoods shut down, but let’s not let that get in the way of the man’s photo! Eventually the crowds obey their orders as the train slowly cruises past, and the tourists whoop, cheer and applaud the one car train. How easily pleased we are!

All Killer, No Filler

A burgeoning cold James has been in denial about for the last couple of days now takes full hold and knocks him for six. He’s going nowhere today. I’ve seen what else there is to do here on my previous trip, so I’m happy just having a day to rest in the hotel, getting banh mi from the same place, third time in a row, snoozing, doing a long, slow, yoga stretch session, and catching up on the to-do list. I’m still owed a glass of wine I had been craving for my birthday back in Hanoi, but was too poorly to claim, so James has found us a couple of bars to try out.

Wandering around in the evening, I notice all these tiny little doorways leading into the back, that will take you up to a second floor bar. Styled like a trendy bar, above a tacky souvenir or tour shop. You’d never notice them if you weren’t looking! Our first stop is one such bar, we could have been transported to a London speakeasy. We order a couple of drinks on happy hour from the joyful bartender also celebrating his birthday.

After this, we head over to a wine bar, but as we walk in and are seated, we realise this is more restaurant than bar. Well, I suppose it can’t hurt to just look at the menu…Inside there’s a glorious array of French Alps food, including raclette and fondue. We do a quick check of the budget and decide we can have a final slight splurge on a raclette and large salad, alongside two glasses of wine. It’s been a long time since we’ve had decent cheese, even longer since we’ve had wine, so this is a real treat for our taste buds and soulds. Oh happiness! What a joyous end to our time here.

Final Tick-Boxing

Our flight to Japan isn’t until 1:20am tonight, and to stay any longer in the hotel room costs money, so we put our new highly trained skill into practice, of killing time! Thankfully, we’ve got a bunch of things I still want to do before we head off. Unluckily for James, he’s still feeling pretty rotten, and the heat of Hanoi means resting on the loungers on the rooftop can only be sustained for so long. So, time for the final smash and grab. First stop is to see the famed water puppet show. We get an audio-guide, assuming it’ll translate the screeching Vietnamese. It does not. It explains some of the context of the fables depicted in the water, but really, you could probably just figure this out and enjoy the show and music without it. It’s cute, well done, at times a bit magical, and always beautiful.

Next up, a magnet, easily acquired around these parts! There are even countless souvenirs dedicated to Totoro! Time for some last coffee for me. Where usually I can’t stomach the bitter taste, I’ve highly enjoyed the various types of accompaniments to the bitter Vietnamese coffee, such as coconut, condensed milk, cream and other sugary, sweet, milky additions.

We’ve then decided to try out a foot massage at one of the many massage parlors. We’ve never had one before, but seeing the joy it gave Jeremy Clarkson on the old Vietnam episode of Top Gear, we’re keen to give it a try whilst it still costs a couple of quid! It’s totally worth it. We even get pummelled with tiny plastic hammers. James relaxes for a bit, and we hope the massage releases some of his illness. With no more cash, no more boxes left to tick, and a worn out James, we decide to just head to the airport.

Shaken not Stirred

After killing as much time as possible in Hanoi city, we make our way to the airport to kill some more time before our 1:20am flight. Thankfully, once more, we can drop our bags off hours in advance. Why can’t we do this in Europe?!

We try and get a nap in on the rows of seats, but it’s just not happening. Exhausted we board, and find ourselves on literally the last row of seats on the plane. Not only that, our row is infront of the toilets, so not only can we not recline our seats, but our leg room is significantly cut off compared to our row-buddies on the other side of the plane. We can’t always have good luck eh. We hope the lights will be dimmed so we can eke out as much sleep from this four hour flight, but of course the budget airline has money to be made, so the lights stay on whilst they tout their food and drinks through the aisle. Eventually they finish and dim the lights, and we doze off…

… to be rudely awoken by some of the worst turbulence either of us have ever experienced. As much as I try and reassure myself that the back of the plane is the worst for it and it’s probably not as bad as it feels, seeing a man come back from the toilet flung from side to side even in the middle brings back the harsh reality that this really is one bumpy ride. Thoughts of Malaysia flight 370 pop into my head as I plead for the turbulence to stop, but it doesn’t. After what seems like forever, we eventually make it through the bumps. I guess we won’t be sleeping on this flight after all.

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Adventure – exploring Old Town, finding little streets everywhere, a bit like London

Excitement – finding raclette on a menu, having my first wine in a long time

Trauma – the worst plane ride, misbehaving kids at the puppet show, yet another terrible leg wax experience, a very poorly James

Prelude

Departing a sleepless night bus we stumble wearily into the hostel around 4am, startling the poor bloke on the graveyard shift sleeping on a blow up mattress. He checks us in and we find a giant double bed/pod in a large dorm room with God knows how many other people. As per usual in a shared dorm, there is someone snoring as loudly as a drunken hippopotamus. Still we manage to grab a few precious hours of sleep before the big tour, four days on the back of motorbikes, driven by locals, exploring the countryside of the Ha Giang loop.

Day One – Introducing

The day begins with a chaotic breakfast as dozens of hungry and tired backpackers tuck into banh mi bread and eggs. There is hardly any room to sit as everyone tries to figure out their tour group, eat brekkie, store their bags and pay for things at the same time. If anywhere can handle organized chaos it’s Vietnam. Before we know it we’re designated blue wrist bands and are introduced to our guide Son. He gives us a quick debrief of the route as our rucksacks are secured to the back of the motorbikes. Alex has hit the jackpot (or so she thinks) by being paired with Son, he has the best English of the “Easy Rider” drivers and will be at the front of the pack. I’m paired with the lovely Kai, a 24 year old, fresh faced chap wearing a flannel shirt. A match made in heaven.

The other backpackers on our team are Nathan and Lisa from France, they are also traveling for one year but only started in March, they have a long way to go! Rasmus from Sweden, Jost from Germany and finally Fin and Alfie from the UK who are the only pair brave enough to ride their own bike.

For the most part I’ll let the pictures do the talking on this blog. I can’t possibly describe the jaw-dropping, continuous beauty and the awe-inspiring landscapes we will see on this four day adventure. The pictures can say one thousand words for me…

Pictures

Highlights

• The literal endless fields of corn, that sprawl off not only into the distance, but up into the karst monoliths, and in every tiny bit of soil that a seed could be planted
• Corn even being planted under pine trees, not a combo I’d ever thought would work
• At one of the many viewpoint stops we get speaking to Rasmus. He’s got a big DSLR camera hanging from his neck and has been brave enough to take pictures from his motorbike while zooming around
• We chat about where we’ve travelled and where we hope to go. Both agreeing that what we’ve seen of Ha Giang so far has been stunning.
• A kid in the rice basket of its mum on her back
• Amongst the corn, are tomatoes, hemp, and cabbages. All toiled by hand or buffalo, nothing by machine, because the terrain isn’t flat or large. It reminds us of the family farms of South America, except for some reason here they favour planting corn in every inch rather than terracing the soil
• During dinner on the first night we are introduced to “Happy Water”, an alcoholic clear liquid made from corn. It smells like gasoline and doesn’t taste much better but after the first few shots you don’t notice so much.
• We’re also introduced to a Vietnamese toast. The softly spoken Son erupts with a bellowing “ARE YOU READY???” followed by “Mot hai ba zu” which we must all loudly shout back at him.
• We go through this process for each and every shot with alternating toast makers.
• Feeling rather merry and full of food, we stumble across the road to a karaoke bar.
• Other tour groups join us and we mostly enjoy a beer while watching various levels of singing ability step up to the mic.
• All of the Vietnamese guides are good singers and put most of us to shame!
• Memorable songs include The Grateful Dead, Sisqo, Zombie (sang by Rasmus and I) and My Heart Will Go On, still going strong 25 years later.
• Jost gives a German rendition of Kinky Boots. An Irish rebel song that is apparently very popular in Germany!

Day Two – The Whacky Races

Pictures

Highlights

• Hooning down a rocky road towards the river, the road is full of trucks and other scooters fighting for space and dominance between the construction vehicles working at the sides of the road
• Son tells Alex that tourism has not just brought money to the region, but infrastructure. Not long ago, these indigenous villages didn’t have electricity or roads, but now the roads are smooth and well built, there’s electricity and concrete water reservoirs in each stint, allowing the people to live better, easier. They are happy for the tourists to be here because their lives improve by proxy.
• When asking if this means the young are all leaving to not be farmers like their parents (like we’ve seen all over the world), Son says that hasn’t happened here. Of course some go to the cities, but why would you want to, life is simple and beautiful here, Son wouldn’t give it up for the traffic and office-life of Hanoi
• Groups from Mama’s Homestay buzzing past us. Up to forty people in their groups.. glad we are not in that lot with all of the young Zoomers.
• Enjoying a chilled boat tour, cruising through a giant gap in the cliffs
• Jost once more hitting himself in the balls with his bum bag while jumping on the boat
• Flying up a busy winding road, weaving between all sorts of vehicles. Sometimes the bikes are three in a row across the road, hair raising stuff.
• After this section, Alex has decided she’s had enough of being at the front and we swap drivers! I ride with Son upfront while Alex goes with Kai in third place.
• Chatting with Son as we ride around on the bikes. He’s only been learning English for two months but he is very good and likes pointing things out along the way.
• Kai and other drivers practicing their karaoke at the viewpoints along the road. Most cafe stops have a speaker and microphone setup.
• Being introduced to a patriotic Vietnamese song “Come with me, we’ll travel round Vietnammmmm” https://open.spotify.com/track/7mH8VdFhEd8HsaOWA9nIGa?si=-riF8pguQQaIdqjNE1uQPA
• Playing the shuttlecock kicking game every time we stop at a viewpoint. Usually in the middle of the road which is frequently interrupted by bikes and trucks
• Said shuttlecock flying over the edge onto the farmland below which someone has to go and fetch
• Jost trying the tobacco bong. Not for the faint hearted.
• Enjoying a cold beer or salted coffee with a stunning view
• Arriving at our homestay to see it has a massive swimming pool which we all jump into on arrival
• There is even a mini gym next to the pool where a few drivers have a short workout
• Another huge meal featuring many shots of Happy Water
• Son appearing at the dinner table blurry eyed and slurring his words. A friend of his that lives nearby got him good and drunk as soon as we got off the bikes
• Alex’s turn to be toast master, she gives a toast in Spanish, salud!
• Chatting with Nathan and Lisa who live in Brittany. They’re also travelling for a year without working and are essentially doing a similar route to us but in reverse. They’ve done Japan and are working their way through Asia and will be visiting Latin America in a few months time.
• Playing cards after dinner next to the pool
• Trumps is the name of the game and Alex and I get into a final round showdown

Day Three – Riders of the Storm

Pictures

Highlights

• Waiting for the rain to pass in the morning… Or is it the drivers waiting for their hangover to pass
• Watching dozens of Westerners flail around in the waterfall pool
• Jost sets the trend for jumping off the cliff into the pool below. He’s the first one to do it and after that a long line of people queue up to do the same
• Some attempt somersaults and flips. Rasmus shows them all how it should be done with some impressive acrobatics
• An alternative approach is a classic bellyflop which someone does from a much lower height to great applause
• Playing with local kids at a rest stop. Alex introduces them to Totoro while I let one put on my sunglasses and he beams a big smile. All the while trying to stop them from drinking our coffees!
• Jost once more speed walking, unable to run to catch us up to protect his balls
• Textiles tour. Seeing how locals make clothing from hemp and use various dyes to being the fabrics to life
• Passing a rose farm, unexpected
• Son and I falling off the bike as we approach the homestay. Luckily we managed to save ourselves from any serious injury!
• Staying in a clay hut. The bathroom window was simply a hole cut out of the wall a.k.a a tunnel for critters to enter our home
• Luckily we avoided anything large, unlike the French couple who were greeted by a massive spider in their bathroom
• Lots and lots of happy water
• Fish that tasted like dirt
• My turn to lead the toast, I went for the Vietnamese option as the English one is so dull. I’m pretty sure I messed it up but it did the job.
• Everyone wanted a go on the karaoke tonight… Son tries to sing My Heart Will Go One but struggles with the English words so we all help him out.
• Alex, Rasmus and I belt out Seven Nation Army.
• Jost sings his favourite Kinky Boots and also 99 red balloons.
• Nathan and Lisa go for Merci Les Blues (A world cup version of Allez Les Blues).
• Alex and I go for a Blink 182 song but then realise most of our group was born post 2000 and probably doesn’t know the song like we do!
• Rasmus steps in and we tenderly sing Teenage Dirtbag (still a classic)
• Caving into peer pressure Alfie and Fin sing together and go for a romantic rendition of Unwritten by Natasha Beddingfield!
• Jost tells us hilarious stories of his time in the German army and discovering his Drill Sergeant used to be an adult entertainer. I haven’t laughed like that in a long long time.

Day Four – Homeward Bound

Pictures

Highlights

• Hiking up to a fascinating cave. We’ve seen a few by now but this one was still cool. Only discovered in 2017 too.
• Enjoying a coffee while dance music pumps out and the drivers rave around. It’s nice to see them enjoying the job they do pretty much every day of the week
• Double lunch portions (as if we needed any more food)
• Weaving between the buffalo crossing the road
• Photoshoot by the waterfall with the whole gang
• Arriving back in one unscathed piece

And that’s the end of our incredible journey around the countryside of Northern Vietnam. While a part of me would have loved to drive this route at other times I would have been terrified and uncomfortable so it was the right decision to have the expert drivers do the hard work for us. Fair play to Alfie and Fin for driving it themselves and keeping pace with the guys who do these roads every day.

Our group quickly disperses and we each go our separate ways. Another trip where we’ve been blessed with a great group of people, especially after we see some absolute twerps in other groups!

Alex and I spend the night back at the hostel where we started a few days ago. Though this time we have the peace of a private room and rinse off all of the dirt and dust from the road.

Next stop… The capital city: Hanoi

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Adventure – The whole drive from start to finish, the views, scenery and atmosphere were just incredible. Playing the shuttlecock game at every stop. Chatting with our lovely group.

Excitement – Holding on for dear life. Swimming in a nice clean pool on day two. Karaoke fun. Each round of Mot Hai Ba Zoo (happy water toast).

Trauma – Someone guessing our age as “forty something” (Rasmus 👀). The happy hangovers. Five new beds in five nights.

Ninh Binh marks the start of stuff I haven’t done before in Vietnam. It’s only really thanks to Hector it even makes it into the route, so we’re super grateful for the recommendation, and would pass it on to anyone coming to Vietnam. It was beautiful.

We arrive two hours early to our already scheduled early arrival. To our huge relief and surprise, when we descend from the bus, we don’t step into soup. The air isn’t thick. And we don’t instantly start sweating! REJOICE!

Our homestay hosts are thankfully already up, but they’re clearly just starting out the day. Understandably so at 6am! We drop off our bags and head to one of the only cafes open at this hour, and gratefully order some coffees and refreshing smoothie bowls. Neither of us slept particularly well (if at all) and check-in isn’t until 1pm, we have a lot of time to kill with tired heads.

After a few hours wasted with blurry heads (one of us napping head down on the table) trying to figure out what we can do on the little energy we have, James has come up with a plan. We’ll take the free bicycles out for a ride and explore some of the more local scenery. Our first stop is a waterway with boat tours where the oarswomen row with their feet!

We land row our way to the next stop, Thai Vy Temple. Our way there is through lush green paddy fields, on empty single-track roads. Perfect for a bimble on the bikes, and a wonderful experience after being in cities for the last however long.

Next up is to a viewpoint, which doesn’t have much info about it when we get there, so we just wander around following what looks like a path up and up.

Clambering up and over some rocks, we make it to something that looks like a top. The view opening up to the waterway we saw before, the boats, now little in the distance, slowly meandering across, the lush green paddy fields sprawling the land below, and the karst limestone monoliths framing the scene. Stunning.

Now back to sweaty again, we head back down for our next bimble along…

…to Bich Dong Pagoda. A pagoda set into a cliffside.

Sufficiently exhausted and now back to very hot again, James finds us a place for lunch that does burgers and craft beer. There’s also a little pool in the middle to cool off my little piggies, and fans for every booth.

We kill the final hours here enjoying some much needed comfort food and booze. Before heading to the homestay to (try and) check-in. Eventually, we are invited to our room, with a spectacular view over the paddy fields behind the house. The photo does it no justice.

Having been largely awake for more than 36 hours, and still full from our luscious lunch, we spend the evening resting and having a pho from next-door for dinner.

“Just Drive at Them”

Our next day we’re going slightly further afield that requires our getting back on a scooter. Reviews of our destinations warn us of scams on arrival of people standing in your way to force you to park in their establishment. It’s not been since Costa Rica where we’ve had to deal with this level of aggressive touts.

Mentally armed, we scoot passed the first few ladies waving, flapping rags, and stepping into our paths. We get to the entrance where we have to slow down as a man stands infront of us and maneuvers with greater ease than us whilst demanding that he is the official carpark warden. He points at something on his chest quickly, then the gate sign, as if to indicate they say the same thing, but he doesn’t show us long enough to know for sure. He is adamant we can go no further. We have no idea who to believe at this point, but 10k dong here vs 10k dong 5ft inside makes little difference other than out of principle. I hop off and ask another tourist inside who tells me the parking is where he is. We give in. I’m now fairly certain he wasn’t genuine, but what could we do? These kinds of scams really do nothing but put tourists off going to these places, which means no tourists to scam, but this wouldn’t be the first place people only think of the immediate buck they can make. Entrances paid, it’s time to climb up to the viewpoint above Mua Cave.

The views are pretty spectacular. At the very top lies a dragon across the jagged rocks. Tourists clamber all over them, so of course we join the queue. It wasn’t worth it. This is clearly not for people to explore, and there are too many people up here, not to mention the ones who take 500 photos instead of letting others enjoy the experience, as I hug the dragon for stability and clamber around, hoping to find a safe foothold where there really aren’t any. The view really isn’t anything more from the dragon, so we clamber down and leave the zoomers to it.

Underneath the viewpoint is the Mua Cave that is the main named attraction here. There’s a cute little tunnel out and back, and this open cave where we enjoy the breeze, but for sure the star attraction is the view.

Up next is the Hoa Lo Ancient Capital. Having missed redoing the Imperial City of Hue, I’m a bit more energised for this one, especially now the temperature is only in its 30s. Once more we brace ourselves for the scammers, and scoot through, scooting so far through we end up driving into the Capital itself. We’re waved through the ticket gate and don’t really know what to do with ourselves, so we just park up where some other bikes are and leave off there with a shrug. There’s another clamber up some stairs for a view, but the rest is all wandering around some temples/pagodas, all well restored/retained, although not hugely well annotated so all I have are more pretty pictures:

Fully pagoda’d/temple’d out, we scoot on down to a lunch spot with a view and enjoy a set menu overlooking more rice paddies.

We were originally going to do a boat trip this afternoon, but the previous day’s exhaustion is still taking it out of us today, and with a post-lunch slump, we decide to head back to the homestay for a nap and leave the boat for tomorrow. It was very much needed. We’re now at a point of the travels that I think we’re more willing to skip things and prioritise our health and sanity.

We still drag ourselves back out again that evening though, into the rain now for the first time. James does a brilliant job scooting with no visor or eye protection, as both our minds think… “perhaps this isn’t worth the risk, perhaps we should turn back”. Before the doubts can really take hold, we near a beautifully illuminated gateway, enticing us to keep on, as the rain also starts to drop off.

Our determination is rewarded with some of the most beautiful scenes we’ve come across, and we’ve of course come across a lot! Worried for more parking scams, we park further away from our destination, but we needn’t have bothered. The Silver Pagodas of Ninh Binh are the absolute antithesis to the tourist traps across Vietnam. There’s one security man relaxing in his chair, and a handful of tourists wandering around, and nothing else but peace and quiet. No touts. No crooks. No scammers. No vendors. No-one yelling and trying to fleece us of whatever money they can. It’s slightly disorienting! Why is this place so peaceful where everywhere else is chaos? We still don’t know. Our only theory is that these Pagodas are new and so the vast majority of tourists haven’t found them yet. Most tourists also come to Ninh Binh for a day trip, hitting the viewpoints and old Pagodas, leaving for their return legs as it gets dark, meaning this night-time wonderland is empty. No tourists = no touts. Whatever, we just enjoy it, mouths wide open, taking it all in.

These Silver Pagodas are newly built, but beautifully done. Inside they are carved with scenes depicting the history of Vietnam. Some people might care that they’ve been created purely for tourists, but we don’t. They’ve been done beautifully well, and so we appreciate them as a bit of modern architecture just the same.

We dine at a Korean BBQ place that seems to be one of only a few places open, and then head back with content bellies, and revived touristed out souls.

On the journey back though we spot what look like some other huge illuminated castles or temples. There’s nothing on Google maps, but perhaps these are also new and not yet discovered. After detouring down a few backroads to try and close enough to see what on Earth they are, we eventually let curiosity win and just head straight for them. What we find, we could not predict…

These absolutely monstrous houses are plonked in some new grid-like development, of empty plots and other monstrous houses. The only other building around is a Pullman hotel that is lit up like a Christmas tree that we saw from afar. Except when we get to it, we realise it’s shut. Everything, is empty. The only life is by way of security guards sitting in the gateways to the houses. The rest of this area, empty, dark, silent. It doesn’t make any sense. If you had this much money to build these huge mansions, wouldn’t you also want some privacy? But the windows, doors and entrance ways are all visible from the street as the building footprints go right to the perimeters. They’re also really similar in style. Why would you want a mansion like your neighbour? It’s like nothing we see western money get spent on, as we scoot around this literal ghost town. We then notice all the CCTV cameras everywhere, something we’ve not seen anywhere else. We’re being watched…

We scoot around some more blocks for some hints to what this gaudy empty mansions are all about, and eventually end up at one illuminated to Christmas levels, with a car at the front door, and a draped curtain entrance. Still no-one around, but an illuminated sign of Xuan Thien group. Above the sign, a big clock, with a display of a person cleaning it from the inside. Just in case this place wasn’t creepy enough, they project a digital clock cleaner?!

Figuring we are now probably on a few watch-lists, we quickly scamper on away from the guarded but empty ghost town. Later research tells us that these are the homes of some of the wealthiest men in Vietnam, part of the Xuan Thien family. These homes are seemingly holiday homes or just investments, that no doubt will lie empty for perhaps their entire existence. Wasn’t this meant to be a communist country, we think to ourselves as we keep an eye on our wing mirror…

Trang-An Boat Gang

Having survived the night without a knock at the door to be carted away, it’s our final day in Ninh Binh and we’re off on a boat ride. We decide to take the back roads today to make the most of the incredible views and peace of scooting through the endless rice paddies.

Thankfully, today we don’t have to drive at anyone, as the official carpark is obvious and open for business. We group up with a Brit and a Maltese and jump in a boat bound for Route 2. What follows is a two-three hour boat trip, rowed by hand, through the karst monoliths, shallow cave systems, and some stops at pagodas. It’s really quite beautiful, and so much more peaceful than our tours around Khao Sok or the Philippines where you’re on noisy motorboats all the way around. This, is bliss. We’re fully surrounded by nature and greenery, and we’re not melting. Happiness.

I’d like to be able to say what any of these things are. But I’ve no idea. For all I know they’ve all been built to entertain us tourists. What I do know is that they’re beautiful and peaceful and I thoroughly enjoy the ride.

It’s time for us to say goodbye to Ninh Binh after the boat ride, as we stop off for the local dish of goat for lunch, before some more coffees, and embarking on our night bus up to Ha Giang, for our next adventure.

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Adventure – Bimbling about on bicycles through the rice paddies, so calm and peaceful, clambering through paths

Excitement – not melting from heat! Getting really decent western food at the cafe and Aussie place, getting a really great tofu banh mi at the bus stop, being shown how to eat the goat dish properly

Trauma – parking attendants/scam artists, waiting to check in after not sleeping for so long

This will be a short post as we only had one night in the ancient city of Hue (pronounced who-eh) and yeh you probably guessed it from the title… it was incredibly hot. We arrive at “Hue lovely homestay” and are greeted by the friendly sisters that run the place and their excitable six month old pup called “Happy”.

Alex is feeling a little worse for wear as she recovers from her various ailments so I leave her comfortable in the air conditioned room and take a walk along the river. It’s coming to the end of the Reunification holiday, marking the anniversary of when North and South Vietnam was reunited again after the bloody 30 year struggle. Locals take pictures by the riverside and use the huge bridges as a backdrop while they wear traditional outfits and pose happily.

In the evening we head out for dinner at a place recommended by our homestay, as an added bonus if we show the loyalty card they gave us, we get free springs rolls! Even though we’re on the edge of the infamous pub street it’s a relaxed atmosphere and the food is surprisingly good. We walk back along the river where the calm and jolly locals have been replaced by energetic hawkers trying to sell us boat rides, mango slices or whatever else they’re trying to flog. Like in most places a simple “No thank you” will put them off, even if it does buy you a slight dirty look!

Serious Flagging

The next morning it’s time to explore the historic Imperial City. Alex has been to see it before and considering the heat and her condition we agree it’s best that she stays behind to rest up. As I leave the homestay, the mercury is already hitting 40 degrees at 9am. I cross the bridge to the imperial city and unsurprisingly I’m the only person doing it on foot. Dozens of scooters zoom past along with various coaches and Grab taxis. I take a few pictures of the outer grounds and buy an entrance ticket, assured there are English guides inside the city gates.

Of course as I pass through the security barrier there are no guides in sight. I later discover the way to get a guide is to hire one of the electric vehicles (imagine a stretched out golf cart) and they come with a guide that may or may not speak English. Wanting to avoid any haggling or awkward translating I decide to self guide around the grounds. Without a guide I can’t provide much more information than this is where the Vietnamese royalty lived until 1945 when they were overthrown and forced to abdicate their power and possessions to the state. What I can provide is a photo dump of the beautifully restored buildings and peaceful gardens of this estate:

Returning to the homestay and I am a ball of sweat. The heat index (temperature+ humidity) has hit 54 degrees and the novelty of being in this ridiculous heat has definitely worn off. Luckily our homestay hosts have been kind enough to extend our check-out time so I’m able to shower and cool off before we need to leave the room. Alex is feeling a bit better and wants to at least do something in Hue. I have a quick lunch of pho (noodle soup with green leaves and pork) for the tender price of £1.20, we seek a brief respite in a coffee/chocolate cafe and then we’re off to the nearby Thien Mu Pagado. We’re fortunate to arrive at the temple just as the monks begin some sort of prayer/chant/meditation and watch as they chant and hum along while another hits a large bell for percussion. Again there’s not a huge amount to say here so the pictures will have to do:

We ask the Grab taxi to drop us within the outer walls of the ancient citadel so Alex can see some of it for herself.

With time to kill before our sleeper bus leaves we enjoy a tasty vegetarian meal surrounded by multiple fans attempting to keep us cool!

That’s the end of this short and sweet post. Next stop… the wilderness of Ninh Binh.

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Adventure – Exploring the ancient citadel.

Excitement – Monk chants. Free food. Happy the dog.

Trauma – Pretty sure I had heat stroke at one point. Weird additional charges on Grab AFTER we gave the driver 5 stars and a tip. A local driver offering me a ride for x4 the price of Grab then looking miffed when I refused. Having to hide in the aircon from feeling so done in and missing the Imperial City (Alex)

I had fond memories of Hoi An from when I was in Vietnam before, and so it worked out nicely with our new “flee the heat” plan that we would be there for my birthday.

We decide to take our first sleeper train, going for the “1st class” option of 4 beds to a cabin. Full disclosure, there are fancier classes, and we have read in advance that the classification system means very little, but we compromise with ‘first’ hoping for the best. What we don’t expect is that the aircon doesn’t work, and that the door to our cabin doesn’t open from the inside, trapping us as we bang and yell for a passer by to let us out. We share our travelling sweat box with a mother and small child, and another lady, and learn quickly that the main communication volume for Vietnamese is yelling. It doesn’t matter if the person they are communicating with is right next to them, or if you might be standing in between them and who they are trying to communicate with, or if people around you might be sleeping… to communicate, you must shout. Thankfully, after much Google Translate, chirades, pointing, and shrugging, our aircon gets improved, at least for one of us. As the child sleeps, the trolleys of food stop, and James hits the hay himself in his hoodie, pyjamas and blanket, I’m still sweating in my underwear as the aircon only blows cold air onto his side. Soon enough, our door eventually slides itself shut, trapping us for the night, and sealing the deal for the next few hours. I hope I don’t need to go to the toilet any time soon!

Thankfully, the toilets are actually toilets on here. We’ve heard of other trains where they are merely holes in the floor, and the folks in the seated class with just windows for aircon having wafts of what lays waste on the tracks for aroma. So, it could be a lot worse. We also explore some other cabins and find much newer coaches we could have been on. Another unlucky draw on our part it seems. At about 5am, the kid wakes up, and the yelling commences (from the mother as much as the child by the way). I guess it’s time for us all to wake up.

After 19 hours, we make it to Da Nang. It could have been a much worse journey, it also could have been much better. Money really does make a big difference with these things. Therefore, it’s with grateful hearts we see a man with our name on the board ready with his functioning airconned car to drive us to Hoi An. James has been charged with finding us somewhere to stay for my birthday, and he’s made a great choice of hotel with buffet breakfast and rooftop pool. They’ve even upgraded us to a suite! As we check out our new spot, we meet a British couple who were on a G Adventures tour but have had to cut it short as the lady slipped and broke her elbow, needing pins in it. They don’t seem too fussed by this, lounging by the pool, relaxing, maybe they’re happy to just get out of the heat. Because, it turns out, Hoi An is as hot as Ho Chi Minh, and it’s set to get hotter! There goes that plan.

Eager to show James the beautiful town that is Hoi An, we head out for a wander after a refresh and nap in the room. It’s as beautiful as I remember it, with colourful lanterns hanging aloft from old-fashioned roofs and baconies, coffee shops, eateries, temples, souvenir stands, food stalls galore.

There’s a barrage of people trying to sell us everything and anything, but otherwise the place is pretty much the same. What has changed is the amount of places catering to tourists, all decked out beautifully in Hoi An’s lantern style, and a massive development on something now called Memories Island, home to a new show depicting the history of the area. For tonight, we take it easy and grab a cocktail and some food on the riverfront, and plan the next few days. Unbeknownst to me, my body has other ideas.

I spend much of the night being awoken by a growing ulcer on my lip making itself known as it grows with a vengeance. I do not get any much needed sleep for the second night in a go. But it’s James’s first time in Hoi An, and I’m keen to explore with him during daylight. The hotel offers bicycle rental, but our experience the night before was of absolute driving chaos, so we decide to walk it. We wander down first through the main tourist streets, before getting to the “Japanese bridge”, which is currently under renovation:

We wander through the food market, where there is an array of fresh fruit, veg, meat and fish. Most importantly, there is a stand selling sugar cane drink. Hoping that this is just like the refreshing and tasty lime and sugar drink of Medellin, we give it a go. We’ve not found anything as good as that drink all those months ago, and this one still doesn’t beat it. The ice melts instantly, but it gives us a kick enough to make it to our next stop.

Heading over the bridge to one of the islands, James directs us down some backstreets. He’s managed to find a bookshop stocking English-language books, and much to his delight, the third book in the Dark Tower series we’ve been reading, and coincidentally my birthday present. Happy early birthday to me! 😊

Our intentions after this are to loop around, up through Memories Island, and back home. But it seems you are only allowed onto the island with a ticket, so back we go. We are absolutely melting by this point, trying to stick to the shade, but it does little to provide respite to the scalding air that consumes us, and humidity that won’t let us cool down. We eventually make it back to the mainland and jump into a lovely cafe, where they point huge airconditioning units and fans our way. We all laugh at how ridiculous but necessary it is. “Very hot” we all say in simple English, as the owner in a lovely full length dress stands there without a bead of sweat!

Coconut coffee and salted coffee consumed, our skin no longer on fire and our blood no longer boiling, it’s time to head back into the furnace to make it back to the sanctuary of our hotel. Lunch is two bahn mis, a bao, and a donut.

We successfully cool down at the pool but I’m still suffering, from a seeming combination of ailments. It seems that weeks in the heat has taken its toll on my immune system and it’s given up the fight. Of all the travelling we’ve done, we’ve done comparatively well to others we’ve met who’ve ended up in hospital for various issues, and here I am taken out by heat, an ulcer, and a heat cold. Woe is me.

We push on out to go for a boat ride down the river for my birthday and reluctantly accept the offers of the nearest tout yelling boat rides at us, ready to haggle. It’s actually an official system though, where you pay a man for a ticket at a desk, who then yells to someone else, who yells to someone else, and you wander which yelling person you’re meant to go towards or run away from, and then eventually we’re herded towards a steep stairway onto a boat, adorned with beautiful Hoi An-esque lanterns. Of course, we must don life-jackets, but then we’re off, joining the masses along the beautiful Hoi An river, away from the yelling and selling.

We finish off the night with a meal by the riverside and then try for an early night.

Birthday Bonanza

After another difficult night from my ulcer, my previous woes, and now a quick bout of stomach upset, and we’re set for a hell of a birthday! James has sneakily asked the staff to provide a cake for breakfast though, so there’s no time to feel glum, as a lovely cake adorned with candles is brought out at breakfast, the staff singing Happy Birthday. There are so many fans and aircon units in the breakfast area the candles don’t have a chance, and the staff only know the first words to the song, leaving James to serenade me for the rest. I try and smile awkwardly back as my fat lip forces me to grimace back. I daren’t think what people must think of me at this point!

We’re soon picked up for our morning activity, a cooking class and boat ride. But first, we need to get food for our class from the local market. Our minivan unloads us all at the front where our guide for the day, named Hi Hi, quickly appears with some roses announcing it’s my birthday, and everyone sings to me again!

This time, it’s a group of tourists, so I get the full song. I’m so exhausted from the various internal battles I start to get teary eyed as I grimace back at how sweet everyone has been. One of the youth in our group comments “that’s so cute”, and she’s not wrong. I’m very lucky James has not only arranged these little surprises but has been looking after me and putting up with my deadpan faces and thumbs up to indicate when I would be smiling back at him.

Now for the day’s activities to really start. The market is glorious, full of fresh vegetables, herbs, fruits, everything vividly colourful looking fresh from the farm. There’s even squashes, carrots and aubergines, alongside turmeric, ginger, lemongrass and morning glory. We’re told that lemongrass keeps snakes away, and the top half keeps mosquitos away! One for our parents to start planting! It’s not too dissimilar to the markets in Latin America, except there seems a greater variety of veg, and people aren’t yelling (maybe the one place they don’t seem to in ‘nam). It all seems relatively calm and orderly!

As we try and take it all in, a woman on a scooter just drives straight into our group, demanding we move out of her way. We’ve seen some spectacular driving in Vietnam already, but they usually maneuvere around you like water around a rock, this is our first experience of just head-on rock smashing.

We move on through to the meat and fish section as we see the usual reminders that we would probably be vegans if we had to slaughter our own animals. We’re told that the animals are slaughtered and butchered here, so they’re super fresh, with the market opening at 4am. Anything not sold that day would go to the animals, so you can be assured of the freshness here. The market houses 200 families each day, and they rotate around so that another lot of families can sell their wares.

Fresh herbs and veg acquired, we pile back onto the minivan for our next stop, our boat ride. This activity is ridiculously touristy but so much fun. We’re led into a round boat fashioned from bamboo leaves, handed life-jackets, hand fans and an umbrella. Our boat is paddled about by a lady covered from head to toe, only her eyes visible, but with a wonderful sense of humour and who seems to really enjoy her job of paddling tourists around this odd little section of water.

On our way around, we pull up in a circle around a guy spinning around and around and doing tricks with his paddle. As he does this, Gangnam Style blasts out. Various groups surround various boat acrobats all blasting out music from around the world.

Some of the youngest of our group take up the invite to join the entertainer on his boat, as he spins them round and round and up and down. When they clamber out at the end, one looks significantly worse for wear!

The final activity on this little boat trip is to go crabbing. By way of a stick, a line, and something on the end, we’re shown that the base of the palms are home to crabs, which can be lured out with our makeshift rods. We are unsuccessful in our endeavour, but another boat party manages to catch one, and then promptly drops it into their boat, as it scuttles and hides amongst their feet and they squeal trying to avoid it without capsizing their boat. I think we did better not catching one.

The boat trip (and painkillers) having perked me up, we now head to our cooking class! We are kitted out with aprons and hats which we done for photos before realising the hats are meant to be fashioned like berets.

We learn how to make spring rolls, papaya salad, a claypot, and typical Vietnamese “pancakes” (bahn xeo?):

It’s really nice to be cooking, even in the 40 degree heat, and make food from scratch. The recipes we try are fairly simple and we look forward to trying to recreate them in the UK.

After our seven-course meal, chatting to fellow travellers and holidayers, we get dropped back for a rest and cool off at the hotel. Much needed as the heat has peaked again with more Real Feel temperatures in the 50s.

This evening we’re off to see the Hoi An Memories show, but first we stop off for dinner at the waterfront on the way.

We find some seats and settle in for the show, that depicts the history of the region through stunning performances through light, song, dance, music, and scenery. The set is huge, the biggest I’ve ever seen, and the opening scene takes my breath away, as a woman in a huge Ao Dai (traditional Vietnamese dress/pant combo) works at a loom, as the threads of time spread across the ‘stage’, and women in all white Ao Dai with white traditional hats walk perfectly in time with another across the set to a beat I can’t identify, as the start of Hoi An’s history begins with the birth of a new child in a small Riverside hut. We’re not allowed to take photos so I just hope my memories will suffice, or you can watch this video for a taster:

https://youtu.be/fBLF-kFihPs?feature=shared

We had very low expectations for the show, but it blows the whole night out of the water. The choreography, set, costumes, and story are spectacularly done. Scenes depict Hoi An’s joining of the two Hindu-esque culture with the Chinese-esque one, including a huge elephant statue.

The tale that gives Hoi An its lanterns is depicted as a woman awaits her partner out at sea and hopes to show him the way home with her lantern, as he looks out for her atop a big ship set. We then have a scene of the melding of cultures as Hoi An becomes a prominent trading port.

It’s a spectacular way to finish my birthday and, despite my various ailments, I’ve had a really wonderful day, full of wonderful memories and experiences. We take a final walk through the island which is really quite beautiful and not the tacky theme park we expected, and head home, with a lopsided smile but happy heart.

Birthday Extended

For the day after, I’ve decided to use some birthday money from Heather and Dave to give myself a good pampering. I’ve chosen a package deal of a body scrub, a hot stone massage, a facial and a mani pedi. I’m welcomed by a lovely foot bath, and the rest is peace and pampering.

Fully relaxed from head to toe, I meet James for lunch at a vegetarian place we had spotted on one of our earlier sweatplorations. Two huge aircon units are pulled up next to us as we enjoy some really great veggie rolls and mushrooms to start, and a curry and coconut rice for main.

After another cool off at the hotel pool and respite in the aircon, we head back out for our final night in Hoi An, to check out the night market. Vendors yell their various wares at us as we window shop all the souvenirs, clothing, food and rolled icecream stalls. There’s all kinds of food on display, including tentacles and frogs.

We instead choose a place for dinner with a balcony that overlooks the market and river, as we people watch amongst the hustle and bustle of the market.

And with that we say goodbye to Hoi An to head up to Hue. The heat has once more been a real killer to this leg, regularly hitting a real feel temp of 51 degrees. I can’t even describe it, other than feeling claustrophobic in your own skin as your body tries to sweat to cool itself down but it doesn’t work with the humidity. I understand better than ever why these high temperatures are so dangerous, after all, I don’t consider myself elderly or inferm, but it was really doing a number on me, and we had aircon and a pool to hide out in! We only really find out here that this isn’t typical for this area but rather an El Niño heatwave hitting all of SE Asia where everyone is suffering. Which makes it feel a little bit better! James has been amazing at taking the lead, looking after me, and putting up with my constant moaning of each ailment, whilst no doubt the heat was also taking its toll on him. So, a big thanks to him pulling the weight here and giving me a wonderful birthday to remember, for so many wonderful reasons rather than for the issues that were also present.

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Adventure – wandering the backstreets in search of my birthday present, exploring all the beautiful little nooks and crannies lit by lantern

Excitement – all my birthday treats, being surprised by the brilliance of Hoi An Memories show, getting to show James this place I’ve raved about so much and him enjoying it too

Trauma – the heat once more, various ailments

Saigon Sting

For once, we have a fairly smooth journey across the border. The bus is basic but it has air-con and it’s half empty, meaning we can spread out and relax. We watch the world go by as we quickly and efficiently cross the border into Vietnam.

Ho Chi Minh City, previously known as, and sometimes still referred to as, Saigon, is our first stop in this so called “Communist” country. Sure the red flags of gold stars and the famous hammer and sickle insignia line the streets but the towering glass skyscrapers and endless businesses and franchises suggest that times may have changed. As we exit the bus we’re immediately pounced upon by smiling faces trying to sell us SIM cards. Usually it’s a taxi or food they’re selling so at least it’s something novel. We take the short walk to our modern Airbnb in the heart of the city. Alex had warned me about it but I was still shocked to see the driving standards (or total lack of) in Vietnam. Swarms of scooters fly at us in all directions, up the wrong side of the road, across pavements and through red lights, it’s a total free for all!

We need to do a bit of New Country Admin, but we’re also starving hungry so as soon as we’ve withdrawn cash (free ATM withdrawals hurrah!!) we hunt down the nearest Banh Mi stall. For those that haven’t had this Vietnamese delicacy, it is essentially a baguette like bread roll stuffed to the brim with various salad and meat ingredients. A snack surely inspired from when the French had colonized the country, they are everywhere and usually cost around $1! Alex has of course had them before but forgets the sting in the tail, a vicious green chili awaits at the end of the sandwich. A fiery ninja hiding in the shrub of salad leaves. I think it’s the first time I’ve seen her cry because of spice. That Indian curry pales in comparison now.

After the fire has been extinguished, we head down to the Ho Chi Minh equivalent of Khao San Road in Bangkok. It’s the middle of the day but the bar staff are already hounding us to come in and enjoy “Happy Hour”. I earmark a bar to watch the football at later and we scurry away down one of the rat run alleyways that connects the main roads. We attempt to purchase a SIM card from the Viettel store but we’re refused as we don’t have a physical passport with us. Not even a picture of it on my phone will do. I later learned this is because the Vietnamese government cracked down on 12 million(!) fake SIM cards in circulation and now a passport must be presented and verified. As we’re trudging our way back home I feel something on my ear, assuming it’s a pesky fly I swat it and it gets stuck in my hand. Throwing it on the ground it looks more like a bee, the stinger in my thumb confirms this is indeed the case. It throbs like hell for a few minutes and I hope it doesn’t swell up as they sometimes do. Luckily I think I got it out quickly enough as the sting subsides and just leaves a small needle mark on my thumb.

Super Sunday

The priority for today is not anything tourist related but finding a suitable spot to follow the London Marathon from across the world. We know ten runners from our running crew, Chasing Lights, are taking part including Lottie and Hector as well as my Dad, Dave. We decide to watch the start from the reliable wifi in our Airbnb and we’re both giddy with excitement as each notification let’s us know when each one has started the race. We watch the dots making their way across a map of London (when the app works) and cheer everyone on in spirit. After the majority of the runners have reached the halfway point we head out for dinner. We find a nice place selling local food tucked away down a busy alley. As always we’re pestered to buy massages, overpriced food and even some narcotics on our way into town. Politely refusing all of these offers, we settle down and connect to the wifi and pick the race back up. We barely pay any attention to what we’re eating as we’re so transfixed on the marathon!

There is more than one sporting event happening today, also in London, the FA cup semi-final. Manchester United vs Coventry. We return to pub street and plonk ourselves down at a bar, luckily the ‘happy hour’ seems to last all day here. While I’m half distracted by the marathon, United cruise to 3-0 up. We cheer with delight as Hector, Dad, Lottie and all of our Chasing Lights friends cross the finish line.

We send some incoherent drunken message to congratulate them. With the Reds 3-0 up with 25 minutes to go I confidently say to Alex we can finish our drinks and leave, this is all over. Of course 5 minutes later Coventry score. Much to the delight of the many “fans” on the street who would support anyone except United! Somehow the game ends up 3-3 and we have to order another round of beers and sit through extra time. It goes to penalties and a group of United fans join us for the finale. The loudest in their group, and the only one wearing a United shirt, (oddly enough he was actually Cambodian) buys me another beer as United manage to scrape through. We return home high on booze and pride around 1am.

Hungover History

With bleary eyes and sore heads we make our way across the always busy streets of Saigon. Armies of scooters stop for no one, horns beep in every direction which basically means watch out because I’m coming anyway, red light or not. With a few minutes to spare before our walking tour starts, in desperation I purchase a breakfast banh mi and an energy drink (ironically called Sting). It’s a very small group for the tour today, just Alex and I, a couple from Romania and of course our guide Joseph (not his Vietnamese name that we couldn’t pronounce).

• Viet means “Outsiders”, as opposing to the Han Chinese. Nam means “South”. So Vietnam means “Outsiders in the South”.
• Saigon means city surrounded by forest, as it used to be before it became the behemoth it is today.
• It is still referred to as Saigon by the people, and most transport agencies. But ‘Saigon’ refers to the what was, before it became Ho Chi Minh City. A place the locals were and are proud of, and continue to refer to so that the memory of that beautiful city is not forgotten (apparently).
• Before the French arrived, it was known as the land of tigers and crocodiles.
• French missionaries arrived and attempted to take over the country from the city of Hue. However, they couldn’t win and instead took the area of Saigon and redesigned it in a similar layout to Paris.
• Therefore, the “old” city is actually only 160 years old
• The city was lined with canals to assist with imports/exports to the nearby sea
• We start at the Bitexco tower, lovingly nicknamed the ‘Baguette Tower’ by the locals
• The bakery I bought my Banh Mi from was started by one woman and her food stall, who now owns a couple of buildings in this block.
• The French prioritized producing opium for the growing market, with a huge factory in the middle of Saigon.
• This is reflected in the architecture of the present day Customs House that is decorated with poppy flowers. The house originally belonged to a wealthy Chinese intermediary, the richest man in the country at the time, thanks to his work with the opium trade. The French were apparently embarrassed that an individual’s house was more grand than anything they had, so bought it off him.
• We walk down a market road known as the “Old Market” where locals sells their wares in traditional ramshackle stalls. The local authorities have attempted to move them on as they consider it an eye sore, especially so close to the fancy towers and modern malls. The locals have stood firm and held their ground.
• The only Michelin star restaurant in the city is on this street.
• Down a backstreet is a small alley with little accommodations distinctly Chinese. We’re told this was built specifically for the Chinese businessmen who the French would trade with. However, rather than make their money and move out, they keep their properties. He says this is because of ‘Feng Shui’ but I believe this may have been a lost in translation moment, and another word relating to with Chinese culture. You don’t sell, you keep and invest in more, growing your wealth, rather than improving a space. It means living a meagre lifestyle, not wasting money on being flashy, but growing your estate. As we look in the houses, it rings true. There is nothing ‘rich’ about these houses or the people milling about around them, except for where they are.
• Our guide has tried to find out how much one of these tiny, perfectly located properties would cost, but they never come up for sale, the asset is passed on. It reminds us of the Barbican Estate.
• Jump forwards to the American War, as the Vietnamese call it (not the Vietnam War), we see where the American Embassy was bombed due to anti-American sentiment in the country. Sadly the bomb mostly killed Vietnamese people.
• The Opera House was converted into a bomb shelter, taking down all its original, ornate features. It was then restored back to its original glory in 1998.
• We see the Rex Hotel and buildings that were often inhabited or frequented by the foreign press during the war.
• When the city fell, not only did many international people leave, but so did many locals, who had their own businesses and trade, and didn’t want to live under a communist regime that would take that away. All they could take with them was gold. Many went to the island of Palawan in the Philippines, others went to France, Canada and the USA. The different diasporas largely relate to whether they originated from the North or South. Those in the North emigrated to communist countries. The South, to the Western ones.
• When the city was taken, the government stopped investing in the far more developed Saigon, and spent the money in the North to build up the much smaller Hanoi, and poorer northern regions.
• People of Hanoi and in the North of the country have to work harder than those in Saigon and the South due to the adverse weather and climate of the North. Joseph tells us of significant cultural differences where here they enjoy spending their money and having weekends, whereas in the North you work every hour and every day and spend none of it.
• It is only since 2010 that the state has allowed investment back into Ho Chi Minh city, and there is now huge development happening in the east of the city, such as the Bitexco tower. Joseph tells us the culture is about making money, making money, and making money. That’s all that matters. So that’s why they have trade deals with the USA as much as China. It doesn’t matter the history, just whoever pays more.

We take a break from all of this learning with a stop at a historic coffee shop. Rumour has it that the Viet Cong spies used to operate from here, right next door to the infamous US spy building where the iconic “escape from Saigon” photo was taken. There are many weird and wonderful coffees available in Vietnam from coconut coffee to egg coffee. We play it safe to begin with and enjoy an ice cold coffee mixed with condensed milk. It’s great for the hangover.

We finish the walking tour passing by the miniature version of Notre Dame, sadly it is heavily under repair at the moment (perhaps in unison with the one in Paris?) so a photo of scaffolding will have to do.

The final stop is the Post Office, constructed during French rule but not by Gustav Eiffel as some sources would have you believe. Inside are two giant maps, one of South Vietnam and one of the Northern territory. At the back of the building is a huge mural of Ho Chi Minh himself.

War, What Is It Good For?

Feeling in need of some more history and culture, after lunch at a touristy food market we head to the War Remnants Museum. I won’t go too deep into the history of the Vietnam War here, if you’re interested in learning more I’d highly recommend this informative video:

https://youtu.be/7tNTh6KlXXU?si=zFsQa3xgOC4rzuh6

The museum is state-created, so you can imagine it presents a certain bias for what happened, as is the privilege of the ‘winning’ side. From what I can understand it boils down to…

• The French occupiers a.k.a colonialists, were concerned with their waning power and influence in the region
• America recognized this too and coupled with their own concern that supplies of tin and tungsten were at risk decided to support French aggression by supplying arms to the French occupiers
• Over time it became clear that what both feared the most was the spread of Communism. Influenced by Lenin and Stalin, Vietnam had begun to convert to a communist way of life.
• This was divided by the communist leaning North and the more Western friendly South.
• Eventually the French began to lose ground so America reinforced their support with a devastating bombing campaign known as “Rolling Thunder”.
• They dropped more bombs on Vietnam than during the entirety of World War 2.
• The mines and unexploded bombs dropped by these planes have caused horrendous injuries and many deaths years after the war ended
• Somehow the Viet Cong (Vietnamese Communists) kept the fight going and America eventually sent troops across. This was simply trying to save face instead of pulling out of a war it had no right or justifiable reason to be in
• Vietnam became a testing ground for the US military to test new weapons and showcase them to potential buyers for the world to see. Including the horrors of napalm and the devastating Agent Orange
• Despite continued tragedies being inflicted on both sides, information about the truth of the atrocities was not reported back in the USA
• Vietnam launched the Tet offensive and although they suffered heavy losses it made it clear to American’s back home that they were not winning this war as they’d been told
• War photographers were able to capture the true horrors of what was going on as publications eventually started printing the evidence contrary to the government’s propaganda
• There’s ample evidence of crimes against humanity being perpetrated by the USA forces and government orders. There are also tales of USA forces standing up against some such atrocities
• Anti-war sentiment coupled with financial and human cost eventually lead to America withdrawing troops
• They did continue bombings and supporting the Southern Vietnamese until Saigon finally fell in 1975, with a tank crashing through the Imperial Palace marking an end to a brutal war

We view a gallery of some breath-taking war photos taken by daring photographers, many of which were killed in the process. Here are some examples:

The next gallery we view is dedicated to the horrific effects of Agent Orange, a chemical weapon developed and deployed by the American forces. I won’t share any of the images from here, you can find out for yourself if you want. Note that this illegal and highly dangerous substance was dropped on innocent Vietnamese citizens for over ten years. Not only affecting the poor people it was dropped on but their children and grandchildren too, mutating their genes for generations.

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Needing a bit of a pick-me-up, we head back to the same dinner location as last night. This time Alex goes for pineapple rice while I enjoy Vietnamese hot pot.

Cu Chi tunnels

More war stuff… This time outside of the city in an area known as the Cu Chi tunnels. These intricate and very small tunnel networks were used to hide from the enemy and often counterattack them. The Viet Cong were excellent at guerilla warfare in the hot humid jungle that American soldiers were not trained to fight in. Although usually outnumbered and outgunned, the Viet Cong often had the upper hand.

Pre-tour info

• Vietnam had been fighting China for 1000 years for independence. Then 50 years against France. Then 21 years against the USA. Part of the reason they are so proud of their independence today.
• In 1945, 2m died from starvation (because of French rule). Lack of food meant the population was very small in size, which meant they could build small holes for tunnels that the westerners wouldn’t be able to get through. They also put in lots of traps. “Tunnels to hell”.
• At first, the tunnels were built just as basements to hide valuables under houses because people couldn’t be trusted. Then they connected them up as the war started.
• There is a village for the victims of agent orange to look after them, providing care and work opportunities. The USA has provided no such support for its own citizens’ impacted by their exposure.
• The war is over but the pain is still here.
• The problem is not from the soldier or the people, it’s from the people in power.
• 1000 tourists visit this site every day. They made it a tourist destination to show how resilient the Vietnamese people are, and in a hope they never have to live or hide or fight in tunnels ever again.
• Tunnels are now around 70 years old. The ones we can go in are constructed as the real ones are too dangerous due to structure, size or scopions.

Tour Info

• Two main reasons the tunnels were built here. The land is strong enough to make tunnels and it’s next to the river for a water supply.
• Mekong delta is the biggest rice field in Vietnam (and why it was and is so valuable).
• 1948, the first basement for hiding goods is built.
• The tunnels are all made without machinery, just a small hand tool and a hand basket.
• The people would work the land during the day. Hide at night.
• They created fake tombs to camouflage entrances.
• The tunnels go 10-12m deep.
• They would have to cook underground. This meant they developed an elaborate sytem of separate chambers to disperse the smoke away from where they really were. Only cooking in the morning allowed, so the smoke would disappear into the morning haze.
• Tunnels connect with the river, but they also used underground wells.
• Airholes were added for ventilation.
• There are around 1000 secret entrances.

• The guerilla traps not only killed and mutilated soldiers, it also created a mental anguish on the soldiers, weakening them mentally as much as physically. Creating fear of every step.
• The black uniform was for the Viet Cong and locals, which is why locals would often be confused for the enemy and killed. Double-edged sword.

• This also meant the VC could hide within the locals without being identified.
• The flag at the time was blue for South, red was for North.

• The current flag is just the red part, apparently signifying their unity through bloodshed.
• They would use clothes of the caught enemy to camouflage air vents from sniffer dogs trying to find them.
• They also put coffee and chili powder on edges.
• This whole area was setup with traps. Traps between tunnels, traps within tunnels, traps outside tunnel entrances, even fake entrances to lure soldiers to traps.
• Spike traps had fishhooks to make it harder and more painful to extract. These were made by hand from bomb shells and tanks.
• Traps were made of bamboo spikes or bomb shells.
• Traps were designed not to kill, just maim and slow them down.

• 500,000 bombs were dropped in Vietnam by the USA.
• The locals would collect the dynamite from unexploded bombs and use it against them.
• Shoes were made out of tyres, but with the underside so it wasn’t flat so they wouldn’t leave footprints.
• This whole area is now full of trees, but back then it had been flattened by bombing.

• There wasn’t much they could grow around here during the fighting, but cassava/yams/yuca were still viable. To make them slightly less boring, they were eaten with sugar and peanuts. It’s not bad. But probably not something we’d want to eat everyday for 10 years

Despite the huge difference in forces, it’s easy to understand the mental torture inflicted on the troops sent out here, and how the resilience and ingenuity of the local people managed to keep them at bay.

We avoid the firing range, turning down the opportunity to spend $20 to fire a mounted AK47 or M16. We do partake in crawling through the tiny tunnels, it’s a sweatbox down there and I often end up crawling most of the way, watching out for roaches, rats and spiders.

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Evening out

We spend our final night in Ho Chi Minh taking in this massive city and having a nice dinner in the center of town…

A Tale of Two Cities

The city – Old rustic markets selling locally sourced produce from tiny vendor plots. Cheap knock-off goods galore. Streets and buildings emblazoned with Communist flags and iconography, some still named after Saigon and murals of Ho Chi Minh. Banh Mi, Pho, iced teas and coffees sold cheap in vast quantities. Densely packed alleys and pavements bursting with locals spilling out on their plastic chairs and scooters. Remnants of the wartime.

And the City – Huge property developments. Dizzying skyscrapers. Multistory, air-conditioned shopping malls selling luxury brands. Belgian craft beer. Decadent party boats. McDonalds. Starbucks.

Has the communist dream of Ho Chi Minh been consumed by the avarice of capitalism? Was all of that fighting and death for nothing but each side fearing the other’s ideology, only to merge less than a generation later?

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Adventure – Crawling through the Cu Chi tunnels, claustrophobic doesn’t even begin to cover it. Trying specialty coffee flavours.

Excitement – I finally made it to Vietnam, four years later than planned. Good quality bread at last. Free cash withdrawals. Lovely food.

Trauma – Obnoxious Aussie bloke on the tunnels tour, we’ve come here for the tour, not for you fella. United letting a 3-0 lead slip. Melting heat. Scooter wars. More tales of warfare and human collateral. Shooting range.